Feeling very led tonight to share some deep thoughts again. This will make two blog posts by me (wow!) and both kinda personal, but when you're led, you're led! Right?!
This journey has been a roller coaster of excitement to total fear! I have been pondering that today. My thoughts might be random, but do have purpose, so stay with me! The excitement is that same feeling when you're pregnant and anxiously waiting to see what your child will look like. The fear is the same as when you are pregnant when you think, what in the world have we done! How will I ever do this?
My husband's mother died of ALS 8 years ago, the week our 2nd child was born. She lived for 2 years following the diagnosis and required frequent care quickly and actually lived with us her final year. That time period was the hardest thing I have ever done. I knew we had to care for her, she was only 56 and a nursing home was not an option. I can't even put into words what that 2 years was like. We were very young and not prepared for that journey and we grew up very quickly.
I remember during that time my mom telling me God was preparing me for something big. I might not know what it was and it could be years, but I would know at some moment that God used those 2 years to prepare me for a greater purpose.
Fast forward to February of this year, we tell my family we are going to adopt from Ethiopia. A couple of days later I'm on the phone with my mom and she, being the good mom, says "I have to say this as your mother, but I hope you have thought this through, you do know how hard this is going to be?" At that very moment and those words I knew this was it! Her words from 10 years ago came flooding back. I had faced hard things and came out better from going through them. My husband and I had faced more things by the time we were 27 than most will in their lifetime. We have really struggled to even connect with couples our own age (that is so hard to admit!) because in 2 years we had gone from being 25 to 55. During that time period we felt so isolated. It was a hard journey , BUT if we had not gone through that and really grown up (that's what we call it!) and let Jesus wake us up to our selfishness we would not be on this journey now. I KNOW that in my soul, and all this came over me in a split second from that one question out of my mother's mouth! This was it. God had a big plan 10 years ago. ALS never makes sense. Prior to Jay's mom being diagnosed with ALS, I will tell you honestly, we were very selfish people. We thought we knew what being a Christan was and played the part well. Very active in our church and taking meals when we should. But that journey woke us up! Since then we have been on a spiritual journey that I have been glad to be on. We ended up leaving a church that we had been apart of for 17 years. That was very difficult but we knew was leading us else where. At this moment on the phone, I'm realizing that God used something that was so heart wrenching and shook our lives up for decade now so we could get on the real path. We still have a lot of growing to go, but I am so grateful to be in the middle of his will, his plan and I am so grateful to be used!
So, why I am telling you all this, because I know everyone of you reading this has fears. I can't even type all the fears we have faced over the last decade. God has used what ever life experiences you have had to prepare you for an awesome work. I truly believe that. I pray that as I feel led to share more of our story that you will be challenged to find your calling. We have faced many fears. It was not easy to take care of his mother. It was very scary to leave a church that we were very comfortable in. It has been very scary to decide to adopt. But we are stepping out on the water. Peter was scared to, but Jesus was always there. This journey I have been prepared for. I might be scared and clueless, but prepared because I know this journey is God designed.
So, what are you waiting for? God has plan and you are apart of it! Step out on the water!
I think many of you need to go listen to this song and listen to what He is stirring within you!
If you are in the middle of a rocking ocean, remember, Jesus is there with you!
Love you all!!